Writer's Block

The USA is the place I was born. Canada is the place I was raised. Taiwan is the place in my heart.

Sunday, June 30, 2002

In the last 48 hours I have raised the roof, turned my life upside down, searching misplaced intentions, battling inner conflict, surrendering to the forces of speculation, indecisiveness and idealism. After one phone call, I was ready to abandon everything I’ve committed to for the remainder of the year. It gave me a rush to think that I could throw off any attachments and that I could pick up and pursue other opportunities elsewhere. I seriously considered running out on everything; I think I rather enjoyed the drama and extremity of it all.

I had made provisions for the rest of the year with reason; reasons that made a whole lot of sense at the time. It’s both my strength and downfall- that I can so easily rationalize reasons for doing things or remaining in a situation and that I can make most situations work to my advantage.

What’s important to realize is that there are usually consequences, or as economists would say, opportunity costs, when we make decisions. When are we truly free of any attachments? Who, other than ourselves will be affected by our decisions?

Consequences, commitment and character… they are inextricably linked. That’s what I’ve been wrestling with. A person’s character is revealed through the way they honor commitments and deal with consequences. The way a person handles commitments and consequences affects their (internal concept of) character. And a person’s sense of character affects how they choose to deal with commitments and consequences. How can one have a strong sense of their own personal character (i.e. core identity, morals, values) if they can’t adhere to any commitments or accept responsibility for the consequences of their actions? Put another way, how can you know who you are if your alliances or goals are constantly in a state of flux? Without a strong sense of personal character, how can one follow through on commitments or manage consequences?

Now I feel like I’ve lost at least an hour of my life, if not more, pondering over this artificial mini-crisis that I’ve created for myself. Maybe some would say that I feel too great a weight of responsibility or that I just think too much. The grass is always greener on the other side, but perhaps it’s just a matter of seeing the green grass in your own backyard.

Sheesh! I’m such a drama queen sometimes…

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